Confessions of a Bad Speller

This week I took a few days off of work, giving myself a much needed long weekend. Work has been…interesting to say the least as of late, and I really did need a break. But, I also had a lot of work to do around the house and this would give me the chance to do it…and boy did I get shit done.

I’m actually quite proud of myself. In a short amount of time I managed to do a decent amount. Sure I still have a small handfull of things to do, such as cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming…but that can be done in 10 minutes today between horror movies.

So here’s a small breakdown for you…

• Went to GOORIN BROS to buy a summer hat
• Got all my produce for the week at the Farmers Market
• Replaced broken toilet seat
• Cleaned upstairs shower
• Cleaned bathroom counters
• Cleaned downstairs toilet
• Finally played FRAG after owning it for half a decade
• Mowed lawn
• Started trimming (until the trimmer crapped out on me)
• Built new bed pallet by hand
• Hung out with the bros
• Finished reading CLASH OF KINGS

And by the end of today, I will have made homemade Mac and Cheese, and tried a new recipe for NY Style Pizza dough! Woo!!

Sadly, it hasn’t all been fun and games. The trimmer crapped out on me, as I mentioned earlier…the first disk sent to me from NETFLIX of PLAN 9 was broken…and I found out poor Vicky Vale may have kitty diabetes. Ugh…it’s always something isn’t it?

Then, there’s something else that’s been bugging me…but I’d really rather not talk about it for a number of reasons. Firstly, there’s nothing more annoying than someone that bitches endlessly about their problems, and I really don’t want to be that guy. Secondly, no one really cares about my issues anyways so what’s the point in bringing them up.

So really, it’s been a bit of a mixed bag this weekend. Can’t complain really. And with all this shit done and accomplished, I have no quams about spending the entirety of today in my pajamas watching horror movies. Hell, I might even get a good afternoon drunk going on if I feel like it. Not like I have anywhere to be, and there’s no one here to judge me for drinking that early. Ahhhh the single life.

I have a real love-hate relationship with this movie. The best way to fully flesh this out is bullet points I think.

Pros

-It’s Freddy verses f*cking Jason!! The horror movie we never knew we wanted until the end of JASON GOES TO HELL.

-Freddy’s makeup and glove are the best it’s ever looked. The makeup really lets Robert’s face shine through, giving him more ability to characterize. While he was able to do this before, the makeup always inhibited it in some way. In FREDDY’S DEAD it made him look super old, in FREDDY’S REVENGE it made him look too jacked up to really recognize his facial features, and in DREAM CHILD he did so many silly changes (aka Super Freddy) it really didn’t matter.

-Freddy is back to being evil and menacing…with only a few quips here and there, the way it should be.

-They licensed the soundtrack to Roadrunner Records…nuff said.

-Ronny Yu directs masterfully.

CONS

-They totally missed the mark on Jason in so many ways. His costume looks like shit, his movements are totally off…which leads me to the next bullet point.

-NO KANE HODDER!! The man who defined the entire fucking character!!! All because Ronny Yu wanted someone to tower over Robert Englund…that’s total bullshit. It’s like when other people think they can just throw anyone in a white mask and mechanic overalls and they can play Michael Myers. No…just no.

-The script…kinda really sucks. Particularly the dialogue. Agreed, it’s a horror movie and I’m not expecting Shakespeare, but there’s acceptable bad, and there’s this. 

-The blood just looks off. There’s two different kinds they seem to use. The super dark stuff of the consistency of corn syrup, and the super watery bright red for splatter and spray. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but…it just looks…off. I dunno, maybe I’m wrong and it looks so real it’s triggering the “Uncanny Valley” portion of my brain…but I doubt it.

-Freddy kills 1 person through the course of the movie…1…seriously?? Come on.

That pretty much sums up my feelings for this movie. Is it a good horror film? Yes. Is it a GREAT horror film? Not really. Does it have it’s moments? Oh sweet lord yes. Does it have it’s flaws? Again…oh sweet lord yes. Bottom line…do I enjoy it? Absolutely. 

Now, as a bit of a post script I feel compelled to mention the proposed and sadly, scrapped sequel. It had many incarnations…FREDDY vs JASON vs MICHAEL MYERS, FREDDY vs JASON vs HELLRAISER (I know the character’s name is Pinhead but that’s what the going title was at the time), and finally…the best surviving concept, FREDDY vs JASON vs ASH. Oh FvJvA…why oh why did you never see the light of day (as a film…there is a graphic novel adaptation of the treatment.)

I’ll tell you why…for a moment, Sam Raimi had lost his f*cking mind! This was right around the time of SPIDER-MAN 3…he was going through all kinds of hell with the studio in development, his own creativity was being stifled, and his decisions were harshly being effected.

It started simple enough with flip flopping…at first he said he would love the idea of the film and admitted he was considering franchising the character Ash out to anyone who had a decent enough script…which about a week later he recanted. Then he also recanted his consent for the FvJvA treatment, saying something along the lines of EVIL DEAD 4. Then…the shit-crazy bomb really dropped…an EVIL DEAD remake starring Ashton Kutcher as Ash.

Yeah…it was not fun times. Thankfully he got his shit back together once he got out from under the thumb of Sony films. He axed the retarded remake idea and gave us DRAG ME TO HELL. Sadly…FvJvA was too antiquated a concept to develop any further. The studios were no longer interested in a sequel, and we would have to settle for a Dark Horse Graphic Novel adaptation.

But hey, that’s how things go. If you happen to see a copy, grab it. The treatment was outstanding so I can only imagine how the graphic novel turned out…oh, and grab me a copy? I have had the damnedest time getting my hands on one.

In my opinion FACT OR FAKED would be far more entertaining of they introduced a new “expert” to the cast. An expert in common sense.

Preferably a Boston Rob, who just spends the entire time point out how retarded everyone is for believing this shit…

Chi-Lin: Today I have a big foot video!

Boston Rob: That ain’t Bigfoot. It’s a frigging asshole in a monkey suit.

Chi-Lin: How can you be sure?

Boston Rob: First of all Bigfoot lives in the forest. Secondly the guy is making every effort to copy the Patterson film in every way, he keeps looking at the camera, and he moves towards the camera in a path that gives him the longest possible exposure to the camera…you frigging idiot.

The studio freaked…naturally, and said it was far too “metacinema” for them and pretty much gave him the boot.

You know how it goes from there, New Line came out with sequel after sequel until finally killing off Freddy in Freddy’s Dead. Thankfully, this setting worked perfectly with Wes’s original concept, and thus Wes Craven’s New Nightmare was born.

The plot revolves around Heather Langencamp, “Nancy” from the original Nightmare film, playing herself in real life where she now has a husband and kid and no longer does horror films. However, strange things have been happening. Earthquakes are happening more and more, Heather is getting letters and phone calls by a deranged “Freddy” stalker. While this is happening, Wes has been writing a new Nightmare script, and as things continue Heather is becoming aware that Wes’s script, and Freddy himself is starting to leak into real life.

The concept was fresh and new back in its time. The whole idea of “meta” would not  truly become big for at least another decade. And bringing Freddy back to his horror roots was a breath of fresh air after the horror-comedy sequels that preceded it.

The entire “meta” idea has its strengths and weaknesses. While on the one hand, it’s cool to actually see Wes, Robert, and Heather playing themselves. On the other, you have other people that clearly should not be in front of a camera, like the New Line Cinema executive producer…*shudders.*

Being made in the 90’s, the movie benefits from all the great stuff I mentioned in the previous review for Freddy’s Dead…better blocking and lighting, tons of gore, and none of that 80’s camp anywhere to be found. It’s the Nightmare sequel I always wanted, but not at all the one I expected.

Now, admittedly, and with every attempt to not sound like a hipster…a lot of people may not get this film. You either love it or you find it boring as hell. I really can’t elaborate any further than that, I wish I could but that’s the way it is. You either get it, or you don’t. That being said, you really need to at least give this movie a try, because if you get it you’re in for a great time. If not…well, that’s fine, no worries. I’m not going to put the horror-movie-hipster guilt trip on you for it.

So today, my first excursion into the dating world in about two years ended less spectacularly than the Hindenburg…

…so now I’m spending my evening with Chinese food and Horror movies on the couch.

Can’t be positive, but I’m pretty sure what I’m doing now is far better than what I had in mind tonight.

Everyone’s favorite Horror movie, GO!!

(Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness don’t count, that’s too easy…plus they’re technically horror-comedies.)

Oh, yeah…the tagline for this movie. Pretty damn cocky of them right?

Anyways, onto this abomination. Now, I say that, but at the same time I can really enjoy this movie at times. Of course, it all depends on my mood. You could definately tell they were going for the straight up Horror-Comedy angle in this, but it was too early yet for them to know what it the genre was (Ronny Yu would still be a few years coming) so it kinda missed the mark. Bottom line, we’re not in the straight Horror anymore with Freddy.

The “Plot” revolves around the idea that Springwood has one surviving teenager left, and the encounters with Freddy have left the town a decaying wasteland with only a handful of half-insane residents left. Freddy uses the remaining teen to leave Springwood so that he can find more youth to slaughter…oh and Freddy’s daughter is wrapped up in there somewhere.

This movie was the only Nightmare movie to be made in the ninties…and it SCREAMS it in every way. The feel is different, the look is different, video games are everywhere, Alice Cooper cameos, and the movie actually looks like it was shot by a professional film studio. No offense to the 80’s but they had a lot to learn about blocking, shot composition, and lighting.

That helps the film I think, and honestly would have liked to see more sequels made in the ninties. Personally, I think those sequels would have done much better than those in the eighties. The ninties may have that annoying habit of wanting to explain the origins of people (Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers) regardless as to whether or not it makes sense…but the ninties also loved its gore and gritty social commentary, particularly on issues such as drugs and local crime. A Freddy movie that included a sub-plot where the teens were abusing Hypnosil…now that sounds awesome to me!

But no…Freddy came far too late. Shame.

The kills are ridiculous, but fun. Again, going for the horror-comedy angle, it actually tries to be campy and weird as opposed to the previous sequels that seemed dead-ass serious…even when turning a girl into a cockroach and crushing her. You don’t feel like your intelligence is insulted in this one, it’s almost like you’re in on the joke…and it feels ritcheous.

Wow…it really comes off like I have a massive hardon for this movie doesn’t it? I guess I do a little…but at the same time, I hate the ending so much it taints the rest of the movie for me. It just ends…like, abruptly. It’s like the opposite of an Oliver Stone movie where instead of continuing on another 20 minutes after the climax and resolution of plot, the movie ends immediately after Freddy is killed. No follow through on the characters or anything. No glimpse of a revitalized Springwood. NOTHING! 

*Freddy Blows Up*

“Freddy’s Dead!”

*CREDITS*

I’m not kidding…that’s EXACTLY how it goes.

Then there’s the whole “Ultimate explaination of Freddy.” Some made-up Dream Demon mythology. New Line loves it’s demons apparently. Jason was a demon lizard possessing people, Freddy was given his powers by Dream Demons, Rozanne and Tom Arnold make cameos…

It’s lazy, and boring. It’s much more intriguing when Freddy was just an unstoppable evil force, fueled by fear. But no…he’s got demon powers. The End. Thanks for watching 6 of our movies and thanks A LOT for your money! LOLZ!

All in all, you need to watch this movie with the right frame of mind. Go into it as if you were about to watch BRIDE OF CHUCKY. See it as a comedy that just happens to be about a guy with finger-knives killing kids. Do that, and you might just have a decent time. Go into it expecting a serious horror film like the first, and you will hate every moment of it.

Thankfully Alice is much more tolerable in this film than in her debut. She’s no longer the mousey girl that we are told we are supposed to like, but instead it seems she’s a completely different character, and one we actually find we kind of like.

The plot is simple enough. Alice gets knocked up, and Freddy is using the baby’s dreams to get his hands on a whole new generation of Elm Street children…and then there’s a sub-plot involving Freddy’s mom that’s alright I guess.

The dreamscapes are much more creepy in this one, thank god. The last movie seemed to be just going through the motions. The boiler room is more menacing, the asylum is gritty and visually intriguing, and the MC Echer church set is really freaking cool. I dunno…call me a nerd if you must but anything that smashes Robert Englund running around with a knife-glove and MC Echer gives me the joys.

Then there’s the practical special effects. The climax in DREAM MASTER was about the only impressive bit in the last one, but DREAM CHILD more than makes up for it. Between the Nightmare-cycle and Freddy’s “death” this movie has all the practical effects could hope for.

It seems weird to say this, but despite the absurdity of the plot of this film, it feels like between this and DREAM MASTER, DREAM CHILD is the darker toned film. Maybe because of the heavy themes of motherhood and nature verses nurture in child rearing. I don’t pretend to know. As I’ve said before, I just really, really, hate DREAM MASTER. Any excuse to dump on it I suppose.

I also find it funny that throughout the beginning of the movie the script writers were just as flabbergasted as the audience that this movie was being made. It’s full of lines like “He’s back…again,” or my personal favorite “Why is this happening again?!!”

I guess it’s a number of little things that make me love this film as opposed to the film itself as a whole. I’m aware that I’m a freak of nature and am probably the only person out there who loves this movie so recommending it is difficult. I love it,b ut I can’t see anyone else loving it as much as me, so why bother telling people to see it? Well, a man can hope for a companion in his unholy love for a terrible horror movie sequel.

“I’m RUNNING FROM THIS NIGHTMAAAAARE!” 

Ugh…kill me now.

The movie itself picks up not too long after it’s predecessor, and revolves around the survivors as well as introduces a new central character who you could care less about. A meek little nothing character named Alice who has fantasies about being strong and confident while dealing with her shitty life in reality. Meanwhile, Freddy comes back inexplicably through flaming dog urine (no, I’m not kidding) and starts killing everyone around her.

The disposal of the DREAM WARRIORS survivors are quick and unceremonious, basically a tool to get the rest of the story going. Freddy himself is in full-blown “one-liner” mode, and it’s painful to watch, although not nearly as bad the ones in FREDDY’S DEAD…*shudders.*

They cram in some made-up fairly tale, a so-called “Dream Master” rhyme that is basically the lords prayer with new words. Super creative right? The idea is that when all her friends die, Alice gets all their “dream powers” until she is the all powerful Dream Master that dresses up like some punky motorbike thug and kick-boxes Freddy to oblivion.

It’s also funny that after four movies the parents still don’t get the message that the dude they torched is coming back to life and killing their kids. The town doesn’t really seem to accept this until the sixth movie and the place becomes a messed up ghost town occupied by wack-jobs and Tom Arnold. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

When kids end up dying by being sucked into a water-bed, you’d think that would raise an eyebrow or two. But it seems the mouses red-head without a single courageous bone in her body and her Karate Kid wannabe brother are the only ones that can save all of elm-street. Blah, Blah, Blah.

I really do hate this one. There’s really nothing interesting or entertaining about it at all and worse yet, it’s totally inconsistent with the idea of “if you die in the dream, you die in real life” as in it seems to pick and choose which deaths are mirrored in real life and which you just plain die. The mute kid gets sucked into the bed like he did in the dream, but the if you get stabbed or anything else you just die in real life with no wounds? How weak is that?

Which brings up another point. The violence is MASSIVELY NERFED in this movie. There’s little-to-no blood, and all the kills are cartoony enough that its not even worthy of an “R” rating. In fact, I’m convinced the only reason this movie is rated “R” is because of naughty words and one scene of nudity.

Skip it, if at all possible, and move onto DREAM CHILD. If you’re worried about continuity, the only thing you need to know is that Alice is this stupid “Dream Master” thing, and she and this dude named Dan hook up. that’s about it.

What I SHOULD be doing today:

• Mow Lawn
• Take Out Recycling
• Do dishes
• Laundry
• Give cats Frontline

What I will probably do today:

• Do dishes
• Take Out Recycling

What I will realistically do today:

• Make cupcakes
• Watch Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla
• Plan Halloween Costume
• Never change out of Pajamas

Damn girl, if you weren’t a figment of my imagination I’d have your baby…what you laughing at?

“This is Joe!”

“Joe says the sun can give us all the energy we need without hurting the Earth!”

“Joe doesn’t know much about science…”