This morning and early afternoon was spent doing some much needed yard work…what I got for my efforts were a blister on my right thumb, a crushed left pointer finger, sunburn on my face (despite having put lotion on TWICE), and almost passing out from heat stroke on the kitchen floor legit.
With it clear that I wasn’t going to be going back out to do more, I showered and sent out a flurry of texts and facebook posts in a desperate search for something to do on this glorious holiday.
Needless to say from the title of my post, nothing turned up, so I ended watching MIB and MIIB instead.
MIB is just as good as your remember, a few outdated effects however, but overall still an outstanding film and well worth $13 on Blu Ray.
MIIB however…if you can get it for $5 on DVD, that’s all you really need if you feel like you NEED to have it at all. It’s not as good as the first movie. It starts off atrociously, but ends pretty strong for some reason. And then there are a bunch of odd things that happen here and there that don’t make any sense, plot holes, disappearing characters, etc.
Moral of the story, I’m not seeing MIIIB or MIB3 or whatever the hell they’re branding it as. It looks ok enough, but no more than a Netflix rental.
Tomorrow proves to be more entertaining, I’m supposed to get together with a buddy of mine and play board games for most if the day. Recently we broke out some oldies but goodies, Three Dragon Ante and Battleship!
There’s something so satisfying and fun about Battleship, I really had a great time playing. And I’ve heard rumblings that the movie edition of the game is actually quite outstanding. It’s all in one carrying case, different radar art for the opposing sides, new alien ships, and 4 different types of game play!! The most intriguing being Salvo, where your coordinate count on your turn is determined by how many ships you have left. If you have 5 ships left, you pick 5 coordinates, if you have only 1 however…it really makes sense when you think about it. Kinda feels like your entire fleet is participating in the battle. Not to mention it rewards you for playing well. For $20, I’m sold. Unfortunately I JUST got paid and already spent almost half of my disposable $$ alottment for two weeks, so I’m going to have to wait lest I be broke for the next two weeks.
Normally I wouldn’t care, but I’ve been feeling less and less satisfied with staying home by myself these days. Which sucks ass…I used to LOVE kicking it single…but ever since I decided to take a chance on what I thought was a girl that really dug me, being alone has rapidly lost its charm.
Worse yet, I’ve noticed that as of late my solution to this problem is more often then not, sitting on the couch by myself and get shitfaced…which I know is not good, a slippery slope.
Anywho, enough of my bitching. I guess if you should take anything away from this post it’s this…
Yardwork, although rewarding, sucks ass
Battleship is still awesome
$13 for MIB on Blu Ray is more than reasonable
Although fun, drinking alone should not be a regular habit…but if you do it, might I suggest Old Thumper? It’s a British Bitter beer. Deep, robust flavor, slightly hoppy, a little more alcohol per volume than usual…oh man…hmmm…I wonder if the packy is open on Memorial Day…
Are you guys watching ANIMAL PLANET right now? Because you fucking should be!!
I seriously can’t stop laughing…it’s getting to the point where I can’t even hear the program anymore over my own hysterity.
Some special called “MERMAIDS: THE BODY FOUND.” I am not even kidding. It’s a modern day encarnation of one of those FOX specials they used to do in the 90’s where some magnificent bastard decides to make a super fake, but super serious documentary about some found footage that has to do with bigfoot or aliens…only it’s 2012 and it’s fucking mermaids.
The best part of all this is that we have the gift of social media, so we can witness this mass trolling AND it’s effects in real time!! Be warned though, there are a surprising amount of people that are buying this shit 100% and don’t realize what a huge joke this is.
I mean…that’s what it has to be. I’m completely convinced. It has to be the product of someone at Discovery deciding to be a complete dick and make as much fun of conspiracy theorists as possible.
So here’s the downlow in case you don’t have cable…
According to this “documentary,” the Navy was testing some super secret new kind of Sonar that instantly kills aquatic life for some reason. In the midst of mass beachings, they find other things. Long story short…mermaids. Now here is where it gets brilliant. The Navy is holding one of these mermaids in live capture in some facility to study and covering it up as a mass conspiracy.
The “footage” they display, and yes, they say that it is REAL FOOTAGE and not re-enactments, is laughably fake. So fake, it HAS to be intentional, only further supporting my theory that there is a bunch of executives laughing their ass off right now all the way to the bank. It’s the kind of fake where the frame moves, but the supposed mermaid body stays in the same spot…aka, drag and drop special effects.
I don’t know whether to love this program or be infuriated. I’m inclined to feel both ways. On the one hand, I love the fact that such an obvious troll got broadcast on national television. On the other, I’m super pissed, because it only fuels the stupidity of people already prone to think with their asses as opposed to their heads.
At any rate, stop reading this and watch it now, thank me later.
My Mac does not at all sound like it’s having a good time…all I’m doing is running Photoshop and Illustrator while listening to music on YouTube, something I’ve done a million times…but today…she’s definately not happy.
Need to start making some serious decisions about this whole art thing…I can’t possibly justify spending the money to replace my Mac and software for a hobby.
This movie suffers from what I like to call “The Michael Bay Fake-Out.” This technique was most notably used, thus coining the term, in the latest TRANSFORMERS abortion.
I remember it vividly…my friend and I sitting in the theater reluctantly, 3D glasses on…and the movie opens on war over Cybertron. The next ten minutes, we are on the edge of our seats, as we are mesmerized by a surprisingly clever plot point where the space race was begun due to an autobot ship crashing into the moon. Then, cut to Chernobyl…where Optimus Prime’s trailer transforms into a massive WEAPONS RACK…yeah, a weapons rack.
We looked at each other in stunned shock…could it be…were we foolish to believe our eyes…could this movie be good? No…as we very quickly found out. After an amazing first 10 minutes, DARK OF THE MOON gleefully throws itself into the pavement taking our money with it. And call me crazy, but we both swear that somewhere in the 3D effects that followed, we saw a smiling Michael Bay giving the audience the finger.
Copy and paste this to SPEED RACER. The first 10 minutes, are similarly clever and surprisingly engaging. We open on Speed in the middle of an over-the-top car race, where he is chasing the ghost of his brother through his outstanding world race record. Visually we can see the ghost car, and his brother looking over at him almost knowingly, almost proud of his little brother. All the while we have the entire back story, development of characters and setting, and even motivations in the matter of minutes told entirely through flash backs as Speed’s Mach 6 collides with the intangible ghost car.
From there on out, the experience can best be described as trying to read a comic book, backwards, while drunk, with a strobe light in the middle of the room. You are disoriented, nothing makes sense, the visuals hurt your eyes, and you are scared out of your mind because it seems that no one involved with the movie had any grasp on the world as we know it.
The movie suffers greatly from the fact that it tries so hard to resemble the source material…wow, never thought I’d say that. Many movies have the opposite problem, but SPEED RACER…I mean…really, would anyone care if they decided to leave the monkey out of it? Would anyone minded if the visuals weren’t iris-meltingly neon? Would anyone truly object if they hired real actors as opposed to cardboard cutouts of the cartoon attached to a text-to-speech program?
I know what you’re thinking…what did you expect? It was a movie that never should have been made…like BATTLESHIP or DARK SHADOWS or GREEN LANTERN.
But here’s the thing…all those movies, as with this one, could have been done correctly. It’s all in how you handle it. BATTLESHIP needs to take itself seriously a total of 0% of the time, DARK SHADOWS should be nowhere near Tim Burton, and Green Lantern…alright, there’s no way they could make that movie right.
SPEED RACER’s foundation is solid. It needs to be an action movie and it needs to have a visual style to it that’s unique and engaging. You can have a little camp to it, I mean, you kind of have to just so long as you don’t go overboard with it. To a certain extent, they accomplished this.
It was just everything else that they fucked up. The story, the acting, the designs, and the connection to the source material.
I’ll be honest, I couldn’t finish it. It was that bad. I got past the first race in the CCC or whatever when I realized…I am not connected at all to the characters, I have no idea what’s going on or what’s really at stake, and quite frankly I didn’t care.
When the viewer doesn’t care about the story you’re telling or the characters in it…your film had failed. PERIOD. Even if you only have one and not the other, you can still have a successful film. Hell, take HALLOWEEN, one of the best movies of all time (in my humble opinion.) It has no real story, it’s some psycho running around killing people. But you really care about the Laurie, and therefore are invested in what is happening regardless.
I’d be interested in seeing what this film would be like in the hand of Zack Snyder. I really think he’d be able to handle it pretty darn well. The Wachowski brothers pretty much proved they are a one-trick pony…that one trick of course being the first MATRIX movie. None of their other films that I’ve seen have I liked, hell…I fell asleep during V FOR VENDETTA, something I’ve never done in the theater before.
I guess the over-all moral of the story here is this…no matter how curious you may get, if you know that a movie is a bad idea, just don’t watch it. Leave it be. And on a more personal moral, make sure to always check your Netflix account before a scheduled DVD mailing…
In a fit of insanity I put SPEED RACER on my Netflix que way back when I first got the service, and has since been buried under mountains of new releases and TV shows.
Well, finally…I’m caught up with all new releases, and any television shows I’m interested in are either on Netflix or I’m already caught up on. So now I’m in the dregs of my Netflix que…the bottom of the barrel. Hence, SPEED RACER.
I’m currently watching it as I type this, so this isn’t so much a review, but more of a Last Will and Testament.
Should the insanity and awfulness of this movie kill me I do ask the following out of sound mind a body…
I want a traditional viking funeral, with all my earthly belongings to be burned with my body so that I might have them with me in Val Hallah.
My only regret…is not living long enough to see George Lucas dragged out into the street and beaten to death by every last STAR WARS fan he’s screwed over.
As much as I love Wes Craven for giving us NOES and SCREAM, the rest of his filmography can be said to be spotty at best, pretty damn bad at worst.
Take a look sometime, many movies you won’t recognize, and try and watch some of them and you’ll be stunned that he became as successful as he did.
SHOCKER was forgettable, the SERPENT AND THE RAINBOW was boring as hell, and THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, I’m convinced, was written to be as socially offensive as possible.
This brings us to today’s movie, PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS…I really don’t know where to begin. This movie is just plain weird. Start with a “underprivileged urban” sub plot, throw in some offensive 80’s stereotypes about black people, add in BDSM undertones, with just a dash of Rob Zombie and you have this movie in a nutshell.
The story centers around “Fool,” a poor youth with a sick mother forced into crime when being evicted by the cliched rich white folk trying to “clean up” their residential properties. When he breaks into a house said to have gold coins stashed somewhere, he stumbles upon a world of bondage and feral cannibals in the basement and walls.
I really feel like this was Wes Craven trying to cater to a black audience, because this movie reeks of “white people be crazy” undertones. In fact, when you really think about it, this entire movie can be considered to be more than mildly offensive. I dunno, maybe it’s just me, but when a white man writes a movie where the black hero solves his life problems with a life of crime, and is named “Fool” I start to feel reeeeeeeaaaaly uncomfortable.
There really isn’t all that much to say more about the film. It’s not terribly cleaver, it’s not memorable in any way other than “remember that crazy ass Wes Craven movie about cannibals in the basement and the dude with the gimp suit?” So why do I own it? It was $5 at Walmart, and I never saw it before…needless to say, I don’t do much more blind-buying these days.
All I can say is, THANK GOD…the tail end of the season…was no es bueno for me. I dunno, it just didn’t really do it for me at all. I think the main reason being that I’ve come to hate Chang with such a bloody passion he ruins the rest of the show for me.
Why was his story arc so terrible this season? They made it clear in season 1 and 2 they could do GOOD story arcs with him, what happened this season?
It was awful!! Chang as a crazy security guard? That sounds like it would be amazing, and it probably could have been. The problem was, everything that featured him was just so terribly written. It got really hard to watch at times. Then he took over the school…ugh.
As for the three episode finale itself…wow, what a roller coaster. The filler episode with the video game was only ok, for some reason, Abed falling for a computer program seemed a step too far for even his character. The thing with Pierce’s brother was great…but the rest of the episode was kind of a throw-away. The heist episode was alright too, some great jokes in there…but again, Chang ruined it for me. Then the finale itself…now that I liked. Troy finally confronts the absurdity of the A/C Repair School conduct, Jeff confronts he last shred of the jerk he was, and the Dean is back in all his glory.
Overall this season has been really good. The only real problems I had with it, aside from Chang, was the whole Troy/Britta thing. I know it’s a show, but I always hated how TV shows shuffle around couples for convenience as opposed to putting in the time and effort to establish a new character that makes far more sense in a pairing.
It was like that whole run of episodes when Joey fell in love with Rachel. Seriously? That’s not how relationships work. You don’t latch on to one of your close knit group of friends out of nothing more than sheer convenience. I thought COMMUNITY had better class than that.
Oh well, I’m sure I’m just invoking a bunch of hate mail by posting anything negative about COMMUNITY on the internet, but hell…you’ll get that with anything on the internet these days. Hell, I’m sure there’s at least some people out there that will get severely butthurt if someone slams something that utterly deserves it, like E.T. the Atari Game, or THE HAPPENING, or BIG BANG THE-…oh, wait…
DC Executive 1:
Well fuck...we should probably stop dragging our feet on JUSTICE LEAGUE huh?
DC Executive 2:
Uh sir...with all due respect, we have nothing prepped for this.
DC Executive 1:
DC Executive 2:
The Superman reboot won't be out until next year, Green Lantern was a horrendous failure, the Wonder Woman movie was scrapped ages ago, and the general public has no clue who the hell Martian Manhunter is.
DC Executive 1:
What about Batman?
DC Executive 2:
Uh...Nolan is almost certainly going to kill him off in the new movie...besides, the realism of his character doesn't really fit the JL universe.
DC Executive 1:
...shit. How the hell did we drop that ball so badly on this?
DC Executive 2:
Because we just licensed out our products to the highest bidder and had no creative input whatsoever. Also Jonah Hex...
So, apparently I’ve been really stressed out lately. So much so that it’s been effecting me physically…
My breathing has been all fucked up. I’ve been light headed…with a headache thrown in here or there for good measure.
Which is weird because I remember being way more stressed… consciously at least. Maybe this whole thing is subconscious, which totally blows.
Being consciously stressed is one thing, I can control that. Just tell myself to stop being a baby and grow some balls, maybe kill a few things on XBOX, pop a few sweet things…BAM!! All better.
Subconsciously stressed…having a shit-ton of things on my mind, and either refusing to deal with them or having them linger on in the back of my head no matter what I do? That’ a little more difficult to control…without alcohol that is. In fact, I’m ashamed to admit that this weekend I got myself buzzed just to calm myself down. Yeah…self-medicating with alcohol, not good I know.
What’s got me so stressed? A whole bunch of shit really.
Thankfully I’m feeling pretty chill tonight. Who knows how long that’ll last, RANGERS are tied up…again…against the CAPITOLS and are playing game 5 tonight so, we’ll see how that goes.
At any rate. Enough bitching.
In other news, AVENGERS kicked ass. You should totally be watching it right now. Seriously.
So I think I’ve been suffering from anxiety the past few days…makes sense when I think about it. And since I can’t do a vacation right now, I’m self medicating with a pint and BURN NOTICE…feel better already
Yet another triumph is within my reach. What is it this time? Well, let’s just say that if I all goes as planned, I will be the unquestioned master of homemade pizza.
Sure, that may be a little pig-headed to assume, but come on…I made NYC Style pizza the other night. Like, legit floppy foldable crust in the privacy of my own home. That’s the dream isn’t it? A NYC Pizza Parlor in your own house? If it isn’t, you folks have a weird concept of what a dream is supposed to be.
It isn’t perfected yet, not by a long shot. The flavor of the crust was a bit muted, and it wasn’t sufficiently browned. Both of those are highly fixable. I’m thinking, a little more time to rise at room temp, and a few more minutes in the oven, respectively. The point being, it’s within reach.
I know what you’re saying, two pizza dough types means nothing (I’ve already perfected the thick, stable crust type.) And I’ll agree, which is why next I plan to conquer the Chicago Style Deep Dish.
Ohhhhh yes. That lovely, crispy, flaky crust containing a magma flow of meat, cheese and sauce. All I need is a pan, and lucky me, I’ve got a restaurant supply store within a 10 minute drive. Isn’t live sweet?
But I’m not stopping there. There’s still thin crust to consider, and grilled pizza!
Enough about dough…let’s talk sauce.
Frankly, I’m tired of store bought. It’s too sweet! Yuck. I make my tomato sauce myself. It really isn’t that hard, just a bit labor intensive. I even made a video about it. Again, sadly, it isn’t perfected yet. While Alton’s sauce is good…it’s still a bit sweet for my taste. I like my sauce tomatoey and savory with only a hint of sweetness.
I’ve been working on it though. My last attempt used fresh Roma tomatoes instead of canned. I learned that, oddly enough, there really is no difference between the two. Weird huh? I also added WAY too much sugar, and not enough herbage. But hey, that’s how you learn right?
I’ll keep yall posted with progress. Once the recipes are perfected I’ll post them for all to enjoy. But for now, here’s what I’ve found that makes all the difference between regular dough and NYC dough…
More Sugar More Yeast Rest Overnight Food Processor, not Stand Mixer
…the latter sounds weird, I know, but trust me it works…and it’s a helluva lot faster. Just make sure you have a big enough processor. Those mini ones won’t do it. The larger, the better…a bottom mounted motor helps too, gives better torch.
This week I took a few days off of work, giving myself a much needed long weekend. Work has been…interesting to say the least as of late, and I really did need a break. But, I also had a lot of work to do around the house and this would give me the chance to do it…and boy did I get shit done.
I’m actually quite proud of myself. In a short amount of time I managed to do a decent amount. Sure I still have a small handfull of things to do, such as cleaning the kitchen and vacuuming…but that can be done in 10 minutes today between horror movies.
So here’s a small breakdown for you…
Went to GOORIN BROS to buy a summer hat
Got all my produce for the week at the Farmers Market
Replaced broken toilet seat
Cleaned upstairs shower
Cleaned bathroom counters
Cleaned downstairs toilet
Finally played FRAG after owning it for half a decade
Started trimming (until the trimmer crapped out on me)
Built new bed pallet by hand
Hung out with the bros
Finished reading CLASH OF KINGS
And by the end of today, I will have made homemade Mac and Cheese, and tried a new recipe for NY Style Pizza dough! Woo!!
Sadly, it hasn’t all been fun and games. The trimmer crapped out on me, as I mentioned earlier…the first disk sent to me from NETFLIX of PLAN 9 was broken…and I found out poor Vicky Vale may have kitty diabetes. Ugh…it’s always something isn’t it?
Then, there’s something else that’s been bugging me…but I’d really rather not talk about it for a number of reasons. Firstly, there’s nothing more annoying than someone that bitches endlessly about their problems, and I really don’t want to be that guy. Secondly, no one really cares about my issues anyways so what’s the point in bringing them up.
So really, it’s been a bit of a mixed bag this weekend. Can’t complain really. And with all this shit done and accomplished, I have no quams about spending the entirety of today in my pajamas watching horror movies. Hell, I might even get a good afternoon drunk going on if I feel like it. Not like I have anywhere to be, and there’s no one here to judge me for drinking that early. Ahhhh the single life.
Ok, I know it’s WAY out of alphabetical order. However, I really consider this a NOES sequel more than a stand-alone film, or even a F13 sequel at that so…here I go.
I have a real love-hate relationship with this movie. The best way to fully flesh this out is bullet points I think.
-It’s Freddy verses f*cking Jason!! The horror movie we never knew we wanted until the end of JASON GOES TO HELL.
-Freddy’s makeup and glove are the best it’s ever looked. The makeup really lets Robert’s face shine through, giving him more ability to characterize. While he was able to do this before, the makeup always inhibited it in some way. In FREDDY’S DEAD it made him look super old, in FREDDY’S REVENGE it made him look too jacked up to really recognize his facial features, and in DREAM CHILD he did so many silly changes (aka Super Freddy) it really didn’t matter.
-Freddy is back to being evil and menacing…with only a few quips here and there, the way it should be.
-They licensed the soundtrack to Roadrunner Records…nuff said.
-Ronny Yu directs masterfully.
-They totally missed the mark on Jason in so many ways. His costume looks like shit, his movements are totally off…which leads me to the next bullet point.
-NO KANE HODDER!! The man who defined the entire fucking character!!! All because Ronny Yu wanted someone to tower over Robert Englund…that’s total bullshit. It’s like when other people think they can just throw anyone in a white mask and mechanic overalls and they can play Michael Myers. No…just no.
-The script…kinda really sucks. Particularly the dialogue. Agreed, it’s a horror movie and I’m not expecting Shakespeare, but there’s acceptable bad, and there’s this.
-The blood just looks off. There’s two different kinds they seem to use. The super dark stuff of the consistency of corn syrup, and the super watery bright red for splatter and spray. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but…it just looks…off. I dunno, maybe I’m wrong and it looks so real it’s triggering the “Uncanny Valley” portion of my brain…but I doubt it.
-Freddy kills 1 person through the course of the movie…1…seriously?? Come on.
That pretty much sums up my feelings for this movie. Is it a good horror film? Yes. Is it a GREAT horror film? Not really. Does it have it’s moments? Oh sweet lord yes. Does it have it’s flaws? Again…oh sweet lord yes. Bottom line…do I enjoy it? Absolutely.
Now, as a bit of a post script I feel compelled to mention the proposed and sadly, scrapped sequel. It had many incarnations…FREDDY vs JASON vs MICHAEL MYERS, FREDDY vs JASON vs HELLRAISER (I know the character’s name is Pinhead but that’s what the going title was at the time), and finally…the best surviving concept, FREDDY vs JASON vs ASH. Oh FvJvA…why oh why did you never see the light of day (as a film…there is a graphic novel adaptation of the treatment.)
I’ll tell you why…for a moment, Sam Raimi had lost his f*cking mind! This was right around the time of SPIDER-MAN 3…he was going through all kinds of hell with the studio in development, his own creativity was being stifled, and his decisions were harshly being effected.
It started simple enough with flip flopping…at first he said he would love the idea of the film and admitted he was considering franchising the character Ash out to anyone who had a decent enough script…which about a week later he recanted. Then he also recanted his consent for the FvJvA treatment, saying something along the lines of EVIL DEAD 4. Then…the shit-crazy bomb really dropped…an EVIL DEAD remake starring Ashton Kutcher as Ash.
Yeah…it was not fun times. Thankfully he got his shit back together once he got out from under the thumb of Sony films. He axed the retarded remake idea and gave us DRAG ME TO HELL. Sadly…FvJvA was too antiquated a concept to develop any further. The studios were no longer interested in a sequel, and we would have to settle for a Dark Horse Graphic Novel adaptation.
But hey, that’s how things go. If you happen to see a copy, grab it. The treatment was outstanding so I can only imagine how the graphic novel turned out…oh, and grab me a copy? I have had the damnedest time getting my hands on one.
In my opinion FACT OR FAKED would be far more entertaining of they introduced a new “expert” to the cast. An expert in common sense.
Preferably a Boston Rob, who just spends the entire time point out how retarded everyone is for believing this shit…
Chi-Lin: Today I have a big foot video!
Boston Rob: That ain’t Bigfoot. It’s a frigging asshole in a monkey suit.
Chi-Lin: How can you be sure?
Boston Rob: First of all Bigfoot lives in the forest. Secondly the guy is making every effort to copy the Patterson film in every way, he keeps looking at the camera, and he moves towards the camera in a path that gives him the longest possible exposure to the camera…you frigging idiot.
This movie goes all the way back to “Freddy’s Revenge.” As the story goes, when the studio approached Wes for a sequel to the original Nightmare on Elm Street, he came back with a script that was damn near line for line what would become New Nightmare.
The studio freaked…naturally, and said it was far too “metacinema” for them and pretty much gave him the boot.
You know how it goes from there, New Line came out with sequel after sequel until finally killing off Freddy in Freddy’s Dead. Thankfully, this setting worked perfectly with Wes’s original concept, and thus Wes Craven’s New Nightmare was born.
The plot revolves around Heather Langencamp, “Nancy” from the original Nightmare film, playing herself in real life where she now has a husband and kid and no longer does horror films. However, strange things have been happening. Earthquakes are happening more and more, Heather is getting letters and phone calls by a deranged “Freddy” stalker. While this is happening, Wes has been writing a new Nightmare script, and as things continue Heather is becoming aware that Wes’s script, and Freddy himself is starting to leak into real life.
The concept was fresh and new back in its time. The whole idea of “meta” would not truly become big for at least another decade. And bringing Freddy back to his horror roots was a breath of fresh air after the horror-comedy sequels that preceded it.
The entire “meta” idea has its strengths and weaknesses. While on the one hand, it’s cool to actually see Wes, Robert, and Heather playing themselves. On the other, you have other people that clearly should not be in front of a camera, like the New Line Cinema executive producer…*shudders.*
Being made in the 90’s, the movie benefits from all the great stuff I mentioned in the previous review for Freddy’s Dead…better blocking and lighting, tons of gore, and none of that 80’s camp anywhere to be found. It’s the Nightmare sequel I always wanted, but not at all the one I expected.
Now, admittedly, and with every attempt to not sound like a hipster…a lot of people may not get this film. You either love it or you find it boring as hell. I really can’t elaborate any further than that, I wish I could but that’s the way it is. You either get it, or you don’t. That being said, you really need to at least give this movie a try, because if you get it you’re in for a great time. If not…well, that’s fine, no worries. I’m not going to put the horror-movie-hipster guilt trip on you for it.
B-Dubbz Terror Fest: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
This movie…oh my god this movie…seriously. Every moment in this film just reeks of a writer’s room over at New Line Cinema collectively groaning “Let’s get this over with.”
Oh, yeah…the tagline for this movie. Pretty damn cocky of them right?
Anyways, onto this abomination. Now, I say that, but at the same time I can really enjoy this movie at times. Of course, it all depends on my mood. You could definately tell they were going for the straight up Horror-Comedy angle in this, but it was too early yet for them to know what it the genre was (Ronny Yu would still be a few years coming) so it kinda missed the mark. Bottom line, we’re not in the straight Horror anymore with Freddy.
The “Plot” revolves around the idea that Springwood has one surviving teenager left, and the encounters with Freddy have left the town a decaying wasteland with only a handful of half-insane residents left. Freddy uses the remaining teen to leave Springwood so that he can find more youth to slaughter…oh and Freddy’s daughter is wrapped up in there somewhere.
This movie was the only Nightmare movie to be made in the ninties…and it SCREAMS it in every way. The feel is different, the look is different, video games are everywhere, Alice Cooper cameos, and the movie actually looks like it was shot by a professional film studio. No offense to the 80’s but they had a lot to learn about blocking, shot composition, and lighting.
That helps the film I think, and honestly would have liked to see more sequels made in the ninties. Personally, I think those sequels would have done much better than those in the eighties. The ninties may have that annoying habit of wanting to explain the origins of people (Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers) regardless as to whether or not it makes sense…but the ninties also loved its gore and gritty social commentary, particularly on issues such as drugs and local crime. A Freddy movie that included a sub-plot where the teens were abusing Hypnosil…now that sounds awesome to me!
But no…Freddy came far too late. Shame.
The kills are ridiculous, but fun. Again, going for the horror-comedy angle, it actually tries to be campy and weird as opposed to the previous sequels that seemed dead-ass serious…even when turning a girl into a cockroach and crushing her. You don’t feel like your intelligence is insulted in this one, it’s almost like you’re in on the joke…and it feels ritcheous.
Wow…it really comes off like I have a massive hardon for this movie doesn’t it? I guess I do a little…but at the same time, I hate the ending so much it taints the rest of the movie for me. It just ends…like, abruptly. It’s like the opposite of an Oliver Stone movie where instead of continuing on another 20 minutes after the climax and resolution of plot, the movie ends immediately after Freddy is killed. No follow through on the characters or anything. No glimpse of a revitalized Springwood. NOTHING!
*Freddy Blows Up*
I’m not kidding…that’s EXACTLY how it goes.
Then there’s the whole “Ultimate explaination of Freddy.” Some made-up Dream Demon mythology. New Line loves it’s demons apparently. Jason was a demon lizard possessing people, Freddy was given his powers by Dream Demons, Rozanne and Tom Arnold make cameos…
It’s lazy, and boring. It’s much more intriguing when Freddy was just an unstoppable evil force, fueled by fear. But no…he’s got demon powers. The End. Thanks for watching 6 of our movies and thanks A LOT for your money! LOLZ!
All in all, you need to watch this movie with the right frame of mind. Go into it as if you were about to watch BRIDE OF CHUCKY. See it as a comedy that just happens to be about a guy with finger-knives killing kids. Do that, and you might just have a decent time. Go into it expecting a serious horror film like the first, and you will hate every moment of it.
B-Dubbz Terror Fest: A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: Dream Child
I really can’t tell you why I love this sequel so much. When you think about it, it’s a silly, predictable, by the numbers horror sequel thrust into theaters to make easy cash…and yet, it has such a near and dear place in my heart.
Thankfully Alice is much more tolerable in this film than in her debut. She’s no longer the mousey girl that we are told we are supposed to like, but instead it seems she’s a completely different character, and one we actually find we kind of like.
The plot is simple enough. Alice gets knocked up, and Freddy is using the baby’s dreams to get his hands on a whole new generation of Elm Street children…and then there’s a sub-plot involving Freddy’s mom that’s alright I guess.
The dreamscapes are much more creepy in this one, thank god. The last movie seemed to be just going through the motions. The boiler room is more menacing, the asylum is gritty and visually intriguing, and the MC Echer church set is really freaking cool. I dunno…call me a nerd if you must but anything that smashes Robert Englund running around with a knife-glove and MC Echer gives me the joys.
Then there’s the practical special effects. The climax in DREAM MASTER was about the only impressive bit in the last one, but DREAM CHILD more than makes up for it. Between the Nightmare-cycle and Freddy’s “death” this movie has all the practical effects could hope for.
It seems weird to say this, but despite the absurdity of the plot of this film, it feels like between this and DREAM MASTER, DREAM CHILD is the darker toned film. Maybe because of the heavy themes of motherhood and nature verses nurture in child rearing. I don’t pretend to know. As I’ve said before, I just really, really, hate DREAM MASTER. Any excuse to dump on it I suppose.
I also find it funny that throughout the beginning of the movie the script writers were just as flabbergasted as the audience that this movie was being made. It’s full of lines like “He’s back…again,” or my personal favorite “Why is this happening again?!!”
I guess it’s a number of little things that make me love this film as opposed to the film itself as a whole. I’m aware that I’m a freak of nature and am probably the only person out there who loves this movie so recommending it is difficult. I love it,b ut I can’t see anyone else loving it as much as me, so why bother telling people to see it? Well, a man can hope for a companion in his unholy love for a terrible horror movie sequel.