8 years later…and I’m still convinced that this movie was a punishment from the film gods for some kind of slight. Despite years of research I have yet to determine exactly what we could have done to anger them so. Naturally my first theory was that this was retribution against mankind for “Star Wars: Episode 1.” However, current findings prove that “A Sum of All Fears” is a stronger candidate. I will have a better idea once the labwork from my tears come back.

In any event, this is the movie that fails in every way possible. It fails as a Resident Evil movie, it fails as a Zombie movie, and it fails as a movie int he most basic sense of the term.

Where to begin? Well, personally, I would like to clear my good name by saying that this movie is my mother’s…she bought it and when I moved out, somehow it found its way into my DVD collection instead of hers. In no way would I own this atrocity otherwise.

Ok, enough nerd rage…ok maybe one more…REALLY??? KICKBOXING NEMESIS????? 

Ok, ok…I really don’t know where to begin with this movie? It’s just a mess all around, really. There are logic and continuity errors up the wazoo, the script is lazy, the connections to the game are completely botched, and there’s no Marylon Manson on the soundtrack.

Everything that I even kind of liked about the first movie, was lost. The respect for the game characters that we love so much is thrown out the window and we are given a piss poor excuse for a film adaptation of Jill Valentine. Carlos is just thrown in there because…well, essentially this movie was supposed to be the third game, and Carlos was in the third game so he HAS to be in it right?? Ugh…

So many things about this movie just make no sense at all, it’s mind boggling. Even the basic things, things that they establish within their own continuity are broken without any thought. It’s really like there wasn’t a single person a part of this film that gave one single fuck about it. It was a paycheck, that’s it.

The proof is in the pudding…how else would you describe the cemetery scene? “Well, it’s a zombie movie…zombies climb out of the ground right? I think I saw that on the Simpsons Halloween special. So lets have a scene in a cemetery.”

First of all, zombies haven’t done that in a movie since “Return of the Living Dead,” ok, and that was a parody of zombie films. As for the games…it only happened once, in Code Veronica, and they were shallow ass graves. Basically a thin layer of dirt just barely covering the bodies…so it made sense. Not even movie logic can explain a barely living corpse, breaking through casket (be it wood or steel), and crawling up six feet of compacted dirt and soil. It just makes no sense, and therefore no one does it you effing retards!

Then there’s the ending…where the bad guy shoots the wheelchair scientist in the head as an act of betrayal…BUT NOT EVEN FIVE MINUTES LATER HE COMES BACK AS A ZOMBIE?????? Isn’t that like Zombie 101? You shoot them in the head and they are dead for good. You even fucking said it at the 7 minute mark of your own movie when you introduce Jill Valentine!!

See what I mean about it seeming like no one really gave a shit with this movie? The only thing that was done with any grace and care was the costume for Nemesis. It’s fucking perfect!! Too bad they fucked him up by making him a remote controlled toy that boxes instead of mutating into a monstrous abomination. That ending kinda writes itself doesn’t it? An epic CGI monster that is unstoppable so they call in a nuke strike? But no…end it with some Brit, a helicopter, and some shitty concept of giving Alice mind powers.

Why am I even putting myself through this torture? I could just turn it off now and spare myself the pain and aggravation of sitting through this garbage again. But then again, It’s something on in the background for me to work on my D&D campaign to…I can’t concentrate in absolute silence, and if I put on something good I won’t be able to focus. In which case, I guess…thank you Resident Evil: Apocalypse for being the cheapest white noise generator money can buy.