Posts tagged rants

This weekend was no is bueno. I’m ashamed to say I succumbed to overwhelming self pity and decided a “I don’t really fucking care anymore” attitude was acceptable.

So, I binged…on many things. I ate whatever struck my fancy, spent endless hours on the couch doing absolutely nothing else aside from marathonning Simpsons episodes, and worse yet, I drank everything my friends put in front of me.

Healthy right? At least it was beer, and not anything hard, still…I’m not exactly happy with that decision.

I hate getting drunk nowadays, and actively avoid it if I can. Of course, when I’m in a woe is me mood, all bets are off.

Ugh. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’ve got a business trip coming up next week, hopefully that’ll get me back on track.

Been doing a lot of introspective lately…mostly trying to change bad habits and some of the destructive ways my mind works.

It’s slowly starting to sink in that I’m 28 years old and my career still has no clear goal or focus.

Thankfully I have a secure enough position that I don’t have to worry for at least a year or so. But still it kind of scares me that I still have no idea what I really want to do for the rest of my life.

Script writing?
Producing?
Documentarian?
Independent film?

All are viable options for me…but no single one has really jumped out as a clear front runner…or something I can guarantee is a reasonable aspiration for one reason or another (money being the primary.) Nor is any single one something I’m positive I’d be happy doing for the rest of my life.

…like I said. I have time to figure it out, but I was hoping by this point in my life Is at least have some idea as to what I’d prefer.

Oh my god…I effing hate the new samsung keyboard. I don’t know what they did…but ever since Jelly Bean downloaded the spell correction thing has been all screwed up. No matter what word I have currently selected, if I choose to replace it with one of the “corrected” words above…

BOOM

Everything previously written gets deleted and replaced with a single word. I’ve lost entire blog posts that way. Its goddamn infuriating and the only real complaint I have with the otherwise outstanding android OS.

Because it’s bitch session day apparently… Would someone like to tell me where the fucking logic is in stopping me from performing a task the right way to begin with in favor of a process that adds an additional step, and requires me to put a halt to all productivity to achieve the SAME EXACT RESUSLTS?????!!!

I haven’t been feeling myself lately…or at least ky new self. That’s the problem I think.

I’ve gotten so comfortable with my girlfriend I’m afraid I’ve gotten too comfortable. She makes me feel like I can be myself and she’ll love me no matter what. And what I fear is happening is the old me…the less desirable me, is fighting through his restraints.

I’ve fought long and hard to remake myself. I hated who I was…I still do. I was a neurotic, impulsive, insecure, socially inept, mess…someone who in no way deserves the kind of woman I’m with now…or any woman for that matter.

Recently I’ve been feeling the neurosis creeping back, as well as my social ineptitude, my insecurities, and a few impulses as well. And today, I finally broke. For no good reason at all I snapped and had a complete neurotic attack, freaked out my gf, and am not sitting here terrified and with a complete loathing of myself.

How could I let that happen? I’ve had at least some reasonable control over these even at my worst moments in the past. Am I that insecure and untrusting that I’m terrified some stupid little thing means the end of an adult relationship?

I probably ahould see a therapist…I certainly have enough issues to justify it. But I’m just cheap enough to say “screw it” and make a not-so-anonymous tumblr post.

…oddly enough it does help. Although really, I should be talking like this with my gf and not a bunch of strangers on the internet. …why can’t I? When ever we get close to talking about anything real I shut down and my brain completely locks up. I forget what words are and an overwhelming veil of terror covers me.

The first step is admitting you have a problem right? I been stuck on step one for years now struggling to move forward…a road map to step two would be nice.

The worst thing is that none of this is fair to her. The first few months I was giving her this promise of the kind of man I was only to fall apart in front of her eyes.

…I should probably get back to work. Sorry tumblr, we’re out of time. See you next session…I’ll make another appointment on the way out.

I always feel awkward on Easter…I am an athiest, and I don’t have kids…and even if I did it’s like…why?

Happy Early Onset Diabetes Day!!

I dunno…sure there’s the whole family side to it but even then that’s a stretch for me. Do we really need a conveluted Halloween 2 to bring us together as families?

Now I’m not knocking the religous angle. If you are religous it’s completely different. But…I just don’t get the holiday without it.

Christmas is different. I can celebrate Christmas as a non secular holiday. I see Christmas as a family ritual. A big way to end the year with love and thanks to the people who have supported you throughout the year.

…I just don’t get anything like that with Easter. I dunno…

Starting to feel a little better about my finances…between taxes, leftover vacation money, and a few extra bucks here and there it looks like I’ll be able to pay off $900 of poor Vicky’s debt.

Just $300 and change left and then I can start putting that money towards cleaning up what’s left on paying off Christmas last year.

Once that’s paid off I can go back to saving like a madman. I really want to get my savings up past $3k this year. A lofty goal perhaps but attainable with a little discipline and a reminder that my car is no spring chicken.

So I’m currently trying to supplement my income…because this job on its own is not cutting it. Plus, it’s time I branch out a bit.

At any rate, I want to write for TV documentaries. Nothing ambitious I know, but…that’s what I want to do. So right now I’m working on tracking down a list of said companies, and their writers and sending out networking and inquiry letters like a madman, maybe get lucky.

In my search I’m really getting an appreciation for a rather discouraging fact…

There aren’t a whole lot of TV documentary series anymore. Everything seems to be the awful reality shows. Even A&E (so called Arts and Entertainment) have far more lo brow programming than I’d like to see.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. I knew things had gotten bad, but I never knew it had gotten this bad.

I’m a little bit nervous now. I know nothing about reality shows, and have no desire to write for them. And unfortunately it seems more and more evident that I’ll in all likelyhood won’t be writing for another AMERICAN JUSTICE if I do get a job…a show I used to love watching endlessly, and have immense respect for.

It’s shows like that that make me want to do it in the first place…but where are then now?

Where?

Going on vacation in 5 days and I’m quickly unravelling from pre-vacation stress on top of everyday bullshit.

“Why hasn’t my state refund come in yet?”

“Work wants a ton of random things RIGHT FRIGGIN NOW!”

“There’s a nor’ester coming…I really need to ask my neighbor to plow me out even though every time I talk to him he tries to get me to work at Stop&Shop.”

“I still haven’t called the bank yet so they don’t cut off my card in Florida.”

“WHERE THE FRIG IS MY TABLET CHARGER???”

“My alarm didn’t go off this morning!!! I’m late for work!!!!”

…luckily my friends are coming over tonight. An evening of shenenigans will calm my nerves.

I love it when “witnesses” on Paranormal/Alien/Cryptid Shows get all indignant and say “I know what I saw!!”

Clearly you don’t…I like to keep an open mind as much as anyone, but I find it hard to believe that…

A) There’s a portal to Hell in your house and yet Satan is quite content haunting ONLY your house and not destroying the earth.

B) An alien race that is advanced enough to make such a significant journey across space does not use it to make first contact but rather buzzes random yahoos and then erasing their minds only just enough that any idiot who can swing a pocket watch back and forth can restore them.

C) You saw Mothman shopping for lightbulbs at your local Wal-Mart